Gaslighting and Coercive Control in Dating: When “Love” Becomes Control

“I’m only doing this because I love you” can sound caring. If it comes with repeated monitoring of a partner’s contacts or clothes, it is worth asking whether their choices are still respected. A 2017 Korean study surveyed self-reported dating-violence behaviors among 2,000 adult men with dating experience. Control was reported most often in that sample, but the result cannot establish a universal ranking or show that control always happens first.

One 2017 Survey Reported Control Most Often

In a 2017 study, Hong Young-oh surveyed adult men age 19 and older about dating-violence perpetration. Published in Korean Criminological Review, the study examined controlling behavior, psychological/emotional violence, physical violence, sexual harassment, sexual violence, and injury.

In the 2,000-person sample, 71.7% reported controlling behavior; the study also reported sexual harassment (37.9%), psychological/emotional violence (36.6%), physical violence (22.4%), sexual violence (17.5%), and injury (8.7%). These are sample-level self-reports, not percentages among all people who perpetrate violence.

The study does not show the order in which behaviors happen. Repeated demands such as “Who were you with?”, “Why are you wearing that?”, or “Why didn’t you answer?” can still narrow a partner’s choices, so their pattern and impact deserve attention.

Why Control Can Be Mistaken for Love: Coercive-Control Theory

In Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life (2007), American sociologist Evan Stark reframed violence in intimate relationships as a crime of depriving someone of liberty.

Coercive-control theory offers a way to examine how repeated demands and consequences can narrow a partner’s autonomy. Monitoring outings, limiting contact with friends, or policing clothes may be part of a pattern, but the theory does not establish one fixed sequence in every relationship.

The danger is that control is often wrapped in the language of care: “I’m worried about you,” or “I just want to protect you.” Those phrases can trigger guilt and make a person feel selfish for objecting. That is one reason control can be misread as love.

Examples of Gaslighting: Have You Heard These Before?

Gaslighting refers to psychological manipulation that repeatedly denies someone’s memory, judgment, or feelings until they begin to doubt their own perception of reality. In The Sociology of Gaslighting (2019), American sociologist Paige Sweet describes gaslighting not simply as an individual personality problem, but as a social phenomenon shaped by gendered power imbalances. An abuser can use gender stereotypes and structural inequality to distort another person’s sense of reality.

In dating relationships, it often sounds like this:

• “I’m only worried about you.” (Using concern to disguise surveillance or control.)

• “You never said that.” (Denying your memory and weakening self-trust.)

• “You’re too sensitive.” (Shrinking a valid feeling into overreaction.)

• “Everyone else does this.” (Making an unreasonable demand sound normal.)

• “You made me angry.” (Shifting responsibility onto you.)

When these statements recur, the person hearing them may gradually trust their partner’s version of events more than their own. That is the central mechanism of gaslighting. It is not one lie; it is a repeated pattern that breaks down self-trust.

Look at the pattern and impact of comments about clothing

Comments such as “Isn’t that outfit a bit much?” or “I worry when you go out dressed like that” can mean different things in different contexts. Rather than label a relationship from one remark, notice whether the comments recur, whether refusal brings pressure or consequences, and how your choices or daily life have changed.

Questions for noticing repeated controlling behavior

This list is not a diagnosis or a score. A number of checked items cannot determine whether abuse is happening. One behavior can still feel threatening or affect safety, and a low count does not erase a concern. If useful, consider whether a pattern repeats, how it affects you, and what happens when you say no.

• They get angry when you reply late or interrogate you about your location.

• You are expected to account for who you were with every time.

• They frequently criticize your clothes, makeup, or hair.

• They resent or subtly block time with your friends or family.

• They check your social media or phone without permission, or demand your passwords.

• After an argument, it always ends up being your fault.

• They threaten you or react in an extreme way when you mention breaking up.

• When angry, they throw objects, hit walls, or act in physically intimidating ways.

If several items fit, that does not mean there is something wrong with you. Control is the other person’s choice and behavior—not something you caused.

Reflecting on your experience and safety

If repeated conversations leave you doubting your memory or judgment, you can look at the pattern and its effect on your life. No self-test score can determine whether gaslighting is happening.

Keep a record only if it is safe. If you can store notes somewhere private that your partner cannot access, you may briefly note the date and what happened. Skip this if they can check your device or account, or if a record could increase risk. You can first ask a trusted person or advocate about a safer option.

Tell a trusted third party. Describe the situation plainly to a friend or family member you trust. A perspective outside the relationship can make patterns visible that are hard to see from inside it.

Name what you feel. You might ask, “Why do I keep feeling anxious around this person?” or “Why do I feel I have to watch what I say?” Discomfort deserves attention, but by itself it cannot establish another person’s intent or diagnose a relationship.

Where Healthy Boundaries Begin

A boundary is not a way to push someone away. It is a minimum safety line that makes a relationship sustainable.

• You can consider your preferences and boundaries around contact. If you want to communicate them and it feels safe, make the request specific.

• If you fear their reaction or worry about retaliation, you do not need to confront them or announce a boundary. A trusted person or local support service can help you think through safer options first.

• Notice whether your boundary is respected and whether pressure, threats, or guilt recur. One response alone does not reveal someone’s entire character or intent.

If you feel physically threatened or have experienced violence, you do not have to work it out alone. Contact a local domestic-violence or dating-violence service, trusted advocate, or emergency service. If you are in South Korea, the Women’s Emergency Hotline 1366 offers support and referrals 24/7; call 112 for immediate danger. If your device or searches may be monitored, consider a safer device or ask someone you trust for help finding support. Official 1366 information

If you feel physically threatened or have experienced violence, please do not handle it alone. Contact a local domestic-violence or dating-violence service, a trusted advocate, or emergency services if you are in immediate danger. In South Korea, the Women’s Emergency Hotline 1366 provides 24-hour support, and emergencies can be reported to 112.

One Thing to Remember Today

You may not know another person’s intent from a single phrase. If explanations of love come with repeated attempts to control your behavior, clothing, or relationships—and refusal brings pressure or threats—focus on the impact and your safety. The person being controlled is not responsible for someone else’s choices.

Writing things down is optional. Do so only if you can keep a record somewhere safe; skip it if it could be discovered and increase risk. You could instead speak with someone you trust or contact a support service in a safer way.

Focus on behavior and its impact without diagnosing another person.

Sources

• Hong, Y.-O. (2017). Factors associated with dating-violence perpetration among adults. Korean Criminological Review, 28(2), 321–353.

• Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.