“I’m only doing this because I love you.” For some people, that sentence feels comforting. For others, it is the first brick in a prison wall. In Korean research, the most common behavior reported by people who perpetrated dating violence was not hitting or yelling. It was control: checking who a partner sees, criticizing what they wear, and demanding constant contact.
The Most Common Dating-Violence Behavior Was Control
In a 2017 study, Hong Young-oh surveyed adult men age 19 and older about dating-violence perpetration. Published in Korean Criminological Review, the study examined controlling behavior, psychological/emotional violence, physical violence, sexual harassment, sexual violence, and injury.
Controlling behavior was by far the most common category, reported by 71.7% of perpetrators. It was followed by sexual harassment (37.9%), psychological/emotional violence (36.6%), physical violence (22.4%), sexual violence (17.5%), and injury (8.7%).
In other words, many people who perpetrated dating violence did not begin with physical assault. They first monitored everyday life with questions such as “Who were you with?”, “Why are you wearing that?”, or “Why didn’t you answer?” Control is not a side issue of violence; it can be one of its most common early forms.
Why Control Can Be Mistaken for Love: Coercive-Control Theory
In Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life (2007), American sociologist Evan Stark reframed violence in intimate relationships as a crime of depriving someone of liberty.
Under this theory, an abusive partner may gradually take away autonomy before any physical assault: making someone ask permission to go out, isolating them from friends, or policing their clothes. The theory later informed laws in England, Scotland, and elsewhere that recognize coercive and controlling behavior as a distinct offense.
The danger is that control is often wrapped in the language of care: “I’m worried about you,” or “I just want to protect you.” Those phrases can trigger guilt and make a person feel selfish for objecting. That is one reason control can be misread as love.
Examples of Gaslighting: Have You Heard These Before?
Gaslighting refers to psychological manipulation that repeatedly denies someone’s memory, judgment, or feelings until they begin to doubt their own perception of reality. In The Sociology of Gaslighting (2019), American sociologist Paige Sweet describes gaslighting not simply as an individual personality problem, but as a social phenomenon shaped by gendered power imbalances. An abuser can use gender stereotypes and structural inequality to distort another person’s sense of reality.
In dating relationships, it often sounds like this:
- “I’m only worried about you.” (Using concern to disguise surveillance or control.)
- “You never said that.” (Denying your memory and weakening self-trust.)
- “You’re too sensitive.” (Shrinking a valid feeling into overreaction.)
- “Everyone else does this.” (Making an unreasonable demand sound normal.)
- “You made me angry.” (Shifting responsibility onto you.)
When these statements recur, the person hearing them may gradually trust their partner’s version of events more than their own. That is the central mechanism of gaslighting. It is not one lie; it is a repeated pattern that breaks down self-trust.
When a Partner Polices What You Wear, Do Not Brush It Off
“Isn’t that outfit a bit much?” “Wear less makeup.” “I worry when you go out dressed like that.” Interfering with a partner’s appearance is one recognizable form of the controlling behavior described above.
At first, a comment may seem minor. But if you find yourself standing in front of the closet wondering what will keep the peace, it may be more than a difference in taste. It can signal that you are slowly handing someone else authority over your body and choices. Repeated comments can harden into self-censorship: “I should not wear anything they might dislike.”
Dating-Violence Warning Signs Checklist
If three or more items apply, consider stepping back and looking at the relationship more closely. This is not a diagnosis; it is a reference list for checking in with yourself.
- They get angry when you reply late or interrogate you about your location.
- You are expected to account for who you were with every time.
- They frequently criticize your clothes, makeup, or hair.
- They resent or subtly block time with your friends or family.
- They check your social media or phone without permission, or demand your passwords.
- After an argument, it always ends up being your fault.
- They threaten you or react in an extreme way when you mention breaking up.
- When angry, they throw objects, hit walls, or act in physically intimidating ways.
If several items fit, that does not mean there is something wrong with you. Control is the other person’s choice and behavior—not something you caused.
Checking In After Gaslighting: Practice Trusting Your Own Perception
Gaslighting is frightening because it makes the person experiencing it doubt themselves. Recovery can begin with rebuilding trust in your own perception.
Keep a record. Briefly note the date, situation, and what was said after an argument. If you later hear, “I never said that,” your notes can help you hold on to your memory.
Tell a trusted third party. Describe the situation plainly to a friend or family member you trust. A perspective outside the relationship can make patterns visible that are hard to see from inside it.
Name what you feel. Ask yourself, “Why do I keep feeling anxious around this person?” or “Why do I feel I have to walk on eggshells?” That discomfort may not be baseless oversensitivity; it may be information your body is giving you.
Where Healthy Boundaries Begin
A boundary is not a way to push someone away. It is a minimum safety line that makes a relationship sustainable.
- Decide what contact frequency and response time work for you, and say so directly.
- When “I’m worried about you” is followed by a controlling demand, pause and ask whether that demand is reasonable.
- If you are swallowing your words because you fear their reaction, that itself may be a warning sign.
- If they respond to a boundary with anger, guilt, or refusal to respect it, examine the structure of the relationship itself.
If you feel physically threatened or have experienced violence, please do not handle it alone. Contact a local domestic-violence or dating-violence service, a trusted advocate, or emergency services if you are in immediate danger. In South Korea, the Women’s Emergency Hotline 1366 provides 24-hour support, and emergencies can be reported to 112.
One Thing to Remember Today
Someone who uses the name of love to control your behavior, clothing, relationships, or everyday life is not showing love; they are seeking control. It is never your fault.
If a moment from a conversation or argument is still troubling you, open your notes app now and write down the date, what happened, and what was said. That small record can be the first evidence that protects your own reality.
References
- Hong, Y.-O. (2017). Factors associated with dating-violence perpetration among adults. Korean Criminological Review, 28(2), 321–353.
- Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life. Oxford University Press.
- Sweet, P. L. (2019). The sociology of gaslighting. American Sociological Review, 84(5), 851–875.