Excitement or Anxiety? How Can You Tell the Difference?

Summary: Excitement and anxiety both make your heart race—so how do you tell them apart?

• A racing heart and cold hands aren't enough to separate excitement from anxiety. Both start from the same base: arousal, the state where your body tenses up and gets ready.
• The difference shows up in direction, not in the body. If it feels like "I want to know more, I want to get closer," it leans toward excitement. If it feels like "I can't mess this up, I want out," it leans toward anxiety.
• The two often mix. You can be nervous because you like someone, or anxious and interested at the same time, so you don't have to settle on one name right away.
• One study (Brooks, 2014) found that reframing nerves as "I'm excited," instead of forcing yourself to calm down, helped with tasks like public speaking and singing. That doesn't mean every anxiety should be relabeled as excitement.
• If anxiety lasts more than a few weeks or disrupts your sleep, eating, or daily life, don't treat it as only a relationship issue. Talking to a professional is a good idea.

On the subway to meet someone, your fingertips go cold, your breathing gets a little shallow, and your heart speeds up. Sometimes you honestly can't tell whether you're excited or anxious.

If you look only at the body, the two feelings are surprisingly alike. So deciding "my heart is pounding like this, so I must be excited" can make you miss what you actually feel.

Why does the body react the same way to excitement and anxiety?

Excitement and anxiety are both states where the body prepares for something. As the sympathetic nervous system kicks in, your heart beats faster, your breathing quickens, and your muscles tense. Your body is getting ready for what's about to happen. Good or bad, once the signal says "this matters," the body moves in much the same way.

Psychologists call this state of readiness arousal. In 1962, Schachter and Singer argued that emotion is made of two things: arousal and the interpretation you attach to it. Read the same pounding heart as "I'm on my way to see someone I like," and it becomes excitement. Read it as "What if I ruin this?" and it becomes anxiety. The theory's experimental methods were debated a lot afterward, but the framework of separating body signals from interpretation is still widely used.

Dutton and Aron's 1974 suspension bridge experiment is often cited in the same context. Men who were tense on a high, swaying bridge seemed more drawn to a female interviewer. It suggested that strong physical arousal can sometimes be read as attraction. The study later faced replication problems, though. I cover the details in [Situation: Were you tense before meeting this person, or did the tension grow after you met? If you're always nervous in unfamiliar settings, this flutter may come from the situation more than the person.
2. Thoughts: Are the sentences in your head closer to "I want to know more" or "I can't make a mistake"? Excitement tends to picture good things ahead. Anxiety tends to picture bad things you need to prevent.
3. Urge to act: Do you want to get closer, or get away fast? Imagine getting a message that the plan is canceled. Do you feel disappointed, or honestly a little relieved? That answer is often quite accurate.
4. Time: Does the same feeling remain after the intense moment passes? An hour or two after you get home, notice whether you feel light, or so drained you don't want to do anything.

If two or three of the four lean one way, that's likely where your feeling's center of gravity is right now. If it comes out exactly half and half, that's an answer too. It means the two feelings are mixed.

The two feelings can mix

You can be nervous because you like someone. You can feel anxious because it's all new and still be interested in them. Excitement and anxiety aren't a switch where one turns on and the other turns off.

This is especially true early in dating. You don't know the person well yet, so hope and caution move together. There's no need to lock in a name right now. Meet once more somewhere comfortable, and notice how you feel after talking. That's not too late.

One thing to keep in mind: strong anxiety doesn't mean the relationship is bad, and strong excitement doesn't guarantee it's good. Feelings are signals. What you use to judge a relationship comes from the other person's words and actions, and from time.

A study on saying "I'm excited" when you're nervous

If excitement and anxiety start from the same arousal, could you change the interpretation? There's research that tested exactly this.

In 2014, Alison Wood Brooks of Harvard Business School had participants facing stressful tasks, like karaoke singing, public speaking, and a math test, say different things out loud. The group that said "I am excited" felt more excited than the group that said "I am calm," and also performed better. Reading the same arousal as an opportunity was easier than trying to get rid of it.

A 2012 study by Jamieson, Nock, and Mendes found something similar. Participants who were told before a stressful task that "bodily arousal is a response that helps performance" showed more efficient cardiovascular responses and paid less attention to threatening cues.

These studies dealt with short, clear tasks like speeches or tests, though. Most participants were college students. They aren't evidence that repeated anxiety in a relationship, or long-standing worry, can be turned around with one line like "I'm excited." For pre-date jitters, it's a method worth trying.

Things you can try right now

• When your heart is pounding before a date, say out loud "I'm looking forward to this" instead of "I'm nervous." If it doesn't help, you don't need to force it.
• On the night after you meet, write one line for each of the four questions above. After about three dates, you'll start to see your pattern.
• First check whether things that make your body jittery, like caffeine, lack of sleep, or an empty stomach, are stacking up. When your body is already tense, small things feel big.
• If it's hard to judge alone, ask a trusted friend, "How did I look after seeing that person?" An outside view can be surprisingly accurate.

Your mind's habits under stress

When anxiety rises, everyone has a coping style they reach for automatically. Some people act like everything's fine. Some bury it under more work. Some first think of what the other person did wrong. Knowing your habits helps you notice sooner whether a racing heart is excitement or a familiar defense kicking in.

PrismTest's defense mechanism test shows the mental habits you tend to reach for under stress, using six cards. Think of the result as a clue for looking at yourself, not a diagnosis of your personality.

If the anxiety lasts

This article isn't a diagnosis. If anxiety continues for more than a few weeks, or you can't sleep, lose your appetite, or can't focus on work or school, don't read it only as a relationship problem. Opening up to someone you trust, or talking with a mental health professional, can help.

Feelings can't be sorted by pulse alone. The situation, your thoughts, and time build the answer together. If you still don't know what today's racing heart means, it's fine to meet once more before you decide.

Sources

• Dutton, D. G., & Aron, A. P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 30(4), 510–517.
• Brooks, A. W. (2014). Get excited: Reappraising pre-performance anxiety as excitement. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(3), 1144–1158.